I Want Up

by Julie Robinson

After going on three really good first dates last week I came to an important conclusion:  When I date men who are handsome, charming, wealthy, well-mannered and intelligent I AM HAPPY.
After not being asked out on a second date by any of them . . . . I AM MORTIFIED.

Clearly I’m getting in the door and then led gently down the hall, through the house, and right on out the back.  (I have to scamper pretty quickly so the screen door doesn’t hit my ass on the way out.)  It’s time to accept that I need to bring more to the table if I’m going to be given a seat and a fork.   
LIST (ALBEIT, RATHER SHORT) OF WHAT I HAVE GOING FOR ME

1.      Long blonde hair

2.     Great legs

3.     Perfect teeth

4.     A PhD

5.     Occasionally bat-shit crazy (in a good way)

6.     Bennett (my super-cute mutt)

LIST OF WHAT I REALLY WANT IN A MAN

1.      Pretty much the whole package—although I am not too big of a stickler about hair just so long as it doesn’t look like Donald Trump’s.

You Know You Lost Your Virginity in Thousand Oaks When . . . .

T.O.H.S. today.  Go Lancers!

by Julie Robinson
Blondie taught me everything I could ever possibly need to know about stalking.  The Smiths introduced me to depression.  Poison and Guns ‘n Roses were just local, small time bands nobody had heard of yet.  No cover to go see them at the Whiskey (if you could sneak your parent’s car out to Hollywood, that is).  Oingo Boingo was so green they played at Westlake High School’s prom and everybody hated them.  We spent an entire week writing postcards to a radio station to try and get them to play at T.O.  Some ghetto school in the Valley won.

It’s 1984, and the thing about losing your virginity when you’re fifteen years old and living in Thousand Oaks, California is that you honestly believe you are the last one on earth to actually still be a virgin.  (This was long before Britney pretended she hadn’t ever fucked Justin.)

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire: The Art of Lying when Dating Online

by Julie Robinson

Online Dating Factoid #1:
ALL WOMEN believe
they look fun when
wearing a sombrero

After stumbling upon some very helpful advice from dating and relationships expert Evan Marc Katz, I decide to take a shot and write some introductory emails to men on Plenty of Fish whom I find attractive.  This all transpires because of recent failed attempts with men who apparently insta-deleted my emails after reading:

Hey!

You caught my eye for this reason.  You seem interesting for this reason (be sure to insert some witty, little interjection that somehow relates back to his profile).  Ask a question here.  I should appear interesting/fun/attractive/definitely worthy of a response from you for this reason.  Looking forward to hearing from you (obligatory smiley face)

Julie